I've been working on the next Owen family novel, and here's just a taste of the beginning.
Marie Owen pressed forward through the crowd surrounding her brother Carl and his new bride, her friend Ellen Bates. Ma was hugging on Ellen, then it was Albert, kissing Ellen's cheek, then Marie reached her, and threw her arms around Ellen.
"Lawsy, I thought this day would never come for you, and suddenly you're Mrs. Carl Owen. My sister!"
Ellen pushed back from the embrace slightly, her green eyes shining like dewdrops. "Yes. I didn't figure Pa would bring the priest with him," she whispered. "Who would have thought..." She looked around the meadow. "Where is James?"
"Now don't you fret about him on your weddin' day. He'll get over his disappointment."
"I wanted to tell him how sorry I am."
"Don't bother. He's acted like such a ninny, not letting go of his claim on you when it was clear as the nose on your face you were in love with Carl."
Ellen ducked her head and turned to look at her new husband, who was sitting himself down on a chair. "I can't believe it's happened so fast." She turned back to Marie as people shoved against them. "Carl's bleedin'. I have to get him home." She gripped Marie's hand. "You're next. I see the way Bill Henry looks at you."
* "What?" Marie protested, but Ellen had slipped away, motioning to Rulon and Clay to pick up the chair to bear Carl away. A crimson stain spread across the hip of Carl's trousers, and a shiver of fear coursed down Marie's spine. Carl hadn't yet recovered from the wounds he'd suffered in the shootout with kidnappers at a cave on the mountainside. Was he going to bleed to death because he got out of bed to marry Ellen?
Remember, this is pure off-the-top-of-my-head organic writing, and it's very much first draft stuff.
Comments? Critiques? Ideas?
* New paragraph added to clarify some stuff. I stopped too soon.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
10 comments:
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Hmmm...lots of questions.Like, why is Carl bleeding, and why doesn't anyone seem concerned? Was there a fight?
ReplyDeleteHaving questions about what is going on is good. It draws the reader in. The first paragraph seems a little weak, though. I tried to re-work it, but I don't know enough about the characters! Maybe start the story a hair earlier to allude to the fight(?) immediately? ...Marie hugged her brother a little one-sided to avoid the blood on his arm...something like that anyway. Don't you just love organic writing? I do. Great job, by the way!
ReplyDeleteLinda, I knew I should have gone one paragraph further:
ReplyDelete"What?" Marie protested, but Ellen had slipped away, motioning to Rulon and Clay to pick up the chair to bear Carl away. A crimson stain spread across the hip of Carl's trousers, and a shiver of fear coursed down Marie's spine. Carl hadn't yet recovered from the wounds he'd suffered in the shootout with kidnappers at a cave on the mountainside. Was he going to bleed to death because he got out of bed to marry Ellen?
You're right, Nikki. I mention Ellen three times in that first paragraph, LOL! The "fight" is from my first book. Thanks for the kudos and the comments.
You are just going to have to write this faster Marsha. I am not where I can get to your books but will be buying online soon. Just to pump me up I read a book by Cottonwood Smith in which the cowboys kiss the horses and are polite to the ladies. So I've got to get copies of yours soon! I have no doubt I will love them.
ReplyDeleteOooh, I like that last paragraph!
ReplyDeleteI love the way you use the terminology, like "Lawsy" and "Hugging on her." You've got the touch, and yes, you do raise questions that just make people want to keep on reading!
ReplyDeleteGood hook! It piqued my interest!
ReplyDeleteHeidi
I think you did a great job writing at writing a first draft. I like how it starts with a wedding and then BAM you're right into action with the groom bleeding. It peeks my interest enough to want to keep reading. I've been told many times to start out with action to grab the reader and you really did it. I also like the slang. It's not hard for me to understand it and it gives me more insight to who the character is right away. Good job!
ReplyDeleteOops, I wasn't suppose to be anonymous. Sorry, Marsha.
ReplyDeleteDebbie Weikel :)
Wow! Thanks, ladies. I've got the first chapter written and I'm one scene into the second. I had an awesome brainstorming session last night with another writer, and BAM, all the ideas have fallen into place. Now I can get this from first draft to finished manuscript by the end of December. That's the plan, anyway. Wish me luck!!!
ReplyDelete